Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
