I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
