you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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