I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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