He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
