This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
