mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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