shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
