What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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