just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
