Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
