Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
