Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
