i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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