im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I am midnight drunk by noon
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He passed out mid-signature
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
They took my balls.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize