Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
