She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
