I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
