just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
