paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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