I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
