I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
