I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
