today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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