cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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