she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
