his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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