Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize