My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
