She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
