and my herpes radar will keep us safe
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm experimenting with sincerity
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
