First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize