im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
