when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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