I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
