i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Randomize
