Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize