as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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