we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
