Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She even gives head with a lisp.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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