My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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