Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
