i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
