here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
