i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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