My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
