can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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