It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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