corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
