dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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