what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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