I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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