No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize