My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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