After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize