Non-Jews are for practice
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
